Heartbreaks and therapy!
Since past few days, I have been writing two sentences and deleting it. My emotions are ready to be poured like the rain during spring season. But I lacked enthusiasm and confidence to even construct those emotions in a sentence. “Later. Tomorrow. Not today” were my excuses. My procrastination is getting the best of me. But no more because I have consciously decided today to finish this piece and post it. I used to write when I was still in college and in love. But after 30 months of graduating from college and 19 months after my break up with the “ONE”, I had stopped writing if not completely but partially. I remember the joy writing used to bring me. I would simple enjoy writing everything at the back of my notebook.
I posted my first ever piece here in this blog because I had just fallen in love deeply. His love encouraged me to do things I had never thought of doing it. I think I was the happiest during that phase of my life. But soon everything looked like it was ready to be destroyed.
When he said it was over for our own good, it wasn’t just the love that was lost. I lost my home as well. You know that feeling when home isn’t a place but a person? Yes, he was my home. He didn’t just leave alone, he took every part of my existence and identity with him.
I couldn’t write for more than a year. But I knew, writing was my only therapy. Now when I turn the pages of my journal, I can’t believe nothing has changed much. I am still in pain but less pain or maybe just too familiar with the pain that it doesn’t hurt that much. I am not going to deny the fact that it doesn’t hurt anymore. However, I can say one thing confidently and that is no matter what I am not letting this experience of mine define me as a person.
All these years, I have just been blaming the circumstances and myself. I introduced myself as a victim. So many times in our lives we do this. We blame ourselves for a really long time without even realising its adverse effect on our mental health. In this process of introducing myself as a victim, I had forgotten who I was. I let my situation define me. I let heartbreak define me as a broken and complicated person. And yet here I was complaining why I wasn’t attracting right set of people.
I don’t want to play the victim card anymore because I am not a victim, I never was, and never will be. Because I will choose to empower myself. I will choose to stand firm against all the odds. I will fight back any self-loathing thoughts. I am way more than a heartbreak. You are way more than anybody’s opinion. You are the star of your own show. You are made for bigger, better things. Look at yourself in the mirror. Do you see the badass, beautiful, strong, and amazing person? Yes, that’s you. You always have been one and nobody, I repeat nobody, can ever take you away from you. Therefore, let’s celebrate ourselves because we deserve some love and pampering!