I Pretend – A Poem

June 20, 2016 by The Savvy Senorita

I wear the fake face; let’s pretend I say. Let’s pretend and everything will be fine. Slowly though I am crushed by the weight of that guise I wear. I feel this weight as it sucks me down dry and empty, and what is and what will be will not change. Yet, still I pretend. There is no one who cares and no one who will listen and so I pretend. There is no one who will save me from the fall that is coming and so I pretend.

Even so he avoids me. He slinks about and around the subject matter like any shadow might; he never touches it merely skims and skirts so as not to tarnish his already simple form. All because I am too difficult, too complicated, too angry; too much like me to be seen or heard. Away he goes, I can see him and ever further he will travel as I remain tethered here rotting from inside to out.

I can see now that he is hiding; his eyes tell me so and what I feel is insecure as though everything around is about to implode. He walks his own path but I remain on egg shells. I am still and stagnant like a small and shallow pond missing the ensuring tide of the sea. Though I remain; I am all that will remain and that which is alone is empty.

He cannot wait to go from me, he cannot wait to leave; he is always anxious and twitching as a tiger inside an endless and darkened room would be. I am that endless and prevailing darkness, I am that room but even though I know I may be no more than those four walls I stand there regardless and wait.

I wait with my emotions as unrequited as that sea which has no shore, no place to crash, no sand to embrace. I am as aimless as that sea; without use or purpose and yet still I remain clinging on just as he is to what this is; a trap. We cannot be apart and we cannot be together, we are never truly happy and never truly as one. We move inside different space and time, we wander there blindly with the hope one of us will take courage and one day shout out; “No more!”

I pretend and in that I lose. I pretend I can mend all that is and was and would be, but I lie. I lie as I have always to myself so I can continue to pretend; to ensure I find no shore, to be always tethered and lost in the swell of the darkness and the stone of those four walls.

 

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