The Losing Game
I have a funny feeling that whatever I do during the next few months, it won’t lead to a winning situation for me.
Things are complicated, and by stating this I am not over exaggerating.
After relocating from Spain I feel like a fish out of water, like a ghost walking through a pretend life, like something serious is missing and I don’t see the silver lining through the clouds.
I feel confused and if I am honest, desperate and hopeless. Change has come and it doesn’t look happy. I am between places to live and in actual fact living out of suitcases, many suitcases. I am waiting to begin possible employment. I am left pondering the nitty gritty of where the money will come from to live, pay for essentials and also left to mull over my personal baggage (which I hate thinking about even more than money). In fact, right now all I want to do is run for the hills and never return!
If I let myself really stop to think through this living nightmare I can’t actually envisage any good being derived from what I believe to be a pile of (expletive).
If this seems negative, I make no apologies. I feel I have some right to feel deflated, because I am and have been.
What once seemed possible now seems ever more out of reach and ever more unreal. I am crying over spilt milk and all I have left to show for anything is the empty carton!
If this has to be what my life is always about then I’d prefer to sit this one out. I am sick of beginning again, sick of picking myself up and dusting myself down, I am sick of smiling and feigning positive hopefulness and I am sick of the lies.
I wish I could really believe things will get better, that all will work out for the best in the end, but all of this has been said before and it doesn’t make the now any easier to cope with. I just need some solid certainties, some proof, some help, some guidance and not well wishing mumbo jumbo that is neither here nor there!!!!!
So I ask allowed in a fraught fashion; what is the plan? What game is this and who knows the rules? Answers on a postcard please!!!!
Because all I know is that I hate this losing game that I am being forced to play along with. It is a game I never seem to have the winning hand for. A game that leaves me second guessing the players and misjudging the poker faces. A game I could walk away from if only I didn’t have too much invested and no one else to play with.