STONES Vs. ME
Stones- what differentiates us human beings from this lump? Very easy to answer, simple word- ‘feeling’ describes it all. I am amused. A student of Human Resources, supposedly talented, always considered myself a ‘people-oriented’ person, full of empathy- even the tests like MBTI, FIRO-B don’t beg to differ even a little. It all starts from my perception of myself and ends to a staggering mist.
Couple of days ago, sitting and watching my friends crying when they listened to a talented friend performing an emotional ( Oh yes, as they call it!) song “meri maa” I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t feel even a small bit of their emotions that led to such an intense catharsis- they were crying hard! It’s weird because it’s not that I don’t love my parents. I love them and respect them very much. But my emotions are somewhere left behind; I just don’t feel them when I should. And yes I said it! It wasn’t the first time when I felt nothing where I should have felt something.
My mom got operated few weeks ago, I felt worried for her, wanted her to get well soon, prayed to God to give her the strength and that’s it! I found people much more concerned for her than myself. I went to meet her at hospital, saw her trembling in pain, couldn’t see her. It felt more than pain to see her in pain. My throat went dry and eyes swelled with water, which didn’t pour out. I went back home and forgot after a while. I was just not worried much, only guilty whenever I recalled that I forgot. Why? This worries me. What am I losing here? Some humane element, that just shouldn’t be me. ‘Coz one thing I know for sure, if I were in my mom’s place she would have even lost her diet thinking about me.
Guilt-as I put it and feel it. I am usually able to understand my own feelings to the core, that if I am angry/sad –why and who I am angry/sad on? I considered this my biggest strength always( though could never tell my interviewers). But I am helpless as I check my own behavior sometimes. Its not that I don’t show empathy. I feel intensely to see some poor, helpless creature, someone in pain. But its where I think obligatory, and I should care from within, I am unable to feel to that extent. I am just sorry for myself! And clueless!
Human being is indeed the most mystical creation existing in universe. I am Cryptic to myself!!